......and it's kind of a big one!
I have been stressing about this day (like to the point of being physically sick to my stomach!) for over a month now and I don't know why really. Age is just a number, right? And we're only as old as we act/young as we feel or whatever, right? UGH. So what is my damage about this?! Okay. Here goes. 40. There. I said it. (I even watched my 30's disappear this morning as the clock turned from 5:13 a.m. to 5:14 a.m.) No, I'm not ashamed of my age. I just don't feel it. I don't think I have ever felt an age since I was maybe 19? I can remember feeling 3 and being left in preschool alone and having the teacher yell at me because I washed my hands at the "wrong" time and made me sit in a time out with cold, wet, tingling hands. I can remember feeling 5 and riding Big Wheels with the blond boy down the street and my heart just being so full of him and our time spent together on Saturday mornings. (No, he was not my 'boy' friend. But if you know where Brian Pomeroy is today, holler at me!) I can remember feeling 8 when birthday parties started being "best friends (of the week) only". I can remember feeling 12 and leaving elementary school for the crazy chaos that was Jr. High and worried I hadn't got my period yet. I can remember feeling 16 and constantly comparing myself and my worth to the warped images on the TV screen. O_o And I can remember feeling 19 and how it felt being thrust out onto my own and just trying to figure everything out and being completely frustrated because I couldn't figure anything out the way I wanted.
Roseanne: "One for the Road"
(Season 2, Episode 37, originally aired 1/9/90)
"For God's sake, Becky. You're 14 years old!"
"Mom, everything I do, everything I feel, it's always, "Well, she's 14." I mean, when you guys do stuff, people don't go, "Oh, well, she's 37."
"36 1/2."
"Whatever."
|
And, I'm willing to bet, nobody ever remembers feeling an age after that. I mean, sure, one can remember the year that important life events occurred, but did you feel that age when things happened and go "Oh, this is supposed to be how X age is supposed to feel?!" I didn't feel 25 when I was in a car wreck. I didn't feel 30 when I realized that the sudden car sickness I felt was actually my biological clock ready to implode. I didn't feel 33 when I fell in love with my husband. I didn't feel 35 when I gave birth to my son. And I certainly do not remember feeling anything about being 26, or 32, or even 39! But what I feel now at 40 is crazy! Like there is so much I need to go back and tell my 19 year old self about. So much of life I was not ready to live or understand or accept. Of course, I have absolutely no regrets about turning any age, as every year, every event, every feeling, every decision has led me to exactly where I am today, exactly where I want to be today, but with advanced age *sigh* comes an uncontrollable need to reminisce and wax nostalgic.
A letter to my 19 year old self on the eve of our 20th birthday....
Hey there kiddo! Yes, I can call you 'kiddo' 'cause technically that's what you are! Sorry! This is you talkin' at ya from, like, 20 years down the road! Trippy, right? And I bet it would make a lot more sense if we ever saw that movie Back to the Future. Maybe you can head on over to that little Mom & Pop video shop that just opened up in the neighborhood and rent it for a week for $0.99. Remember to take that cool laminated membership card they sold you! I'm sure they'll be around for years.
Anywho, I know how much you love being told what to do and what choices you should be making, and how you do the complete opposite anyway *sigh* (man, you will not believe the amount of that you will be doing) but I thought I would share with you how life is going to play out over the next t. w. e. n. t. y. years. Dun, dun, dun......Don't worry, most of it's awesome and you are going to just want to be in every moment of it, so that stuff I won't spoil. But there are some things that you need a good smack-in-the-head about and some things you need to be more prepared and grateful for.
Let's start with the experience you just recently finished up: High School. It was crappy. The people sucked. You learned nada. You didn't fit in. You never have to go back. Move on. And that's all I got to say about that. Seriously. The 'friends' you made in H.S. *gasp* are not your real friends. They will do nothing to serve you and your heart, which, BTW (that means 'by the way' - there is a whole other dialect folks are using these days!), you give away way too much of. Kind of like that episode of 90210 last night where that new girl Amanda tries to get everybody to smoke at Brenda's sleepover and they're all "No way, you're a loser" and then they wrote her off the show. Get your "friends" off your show already. The Heather's and Hard Harry's are losers for a reason. You'll see this played out on Melrose Place as well. Yes, they kept 90210 on through the whole summer AND they make a spin-off!! Thursday nights at work will be the BEST!
Oh work. You know, those 3 different places you run to and from to earn piddly amounts of money so you can move out (again) sooner while trying to manage to take college courses? Maybe you should give up like one or all of those 'jobs' and just hit the books! I know you didn't really want to go to the junior college in the first place and are only doing this to make Mom happy, but if you could just knock these 4 years out (in a row) right now and while the cost is SO cheap, you'd be much happier in 20 years! Trust that. I know that you're not ready yet. But watch out! *SPOILER ALERT* When you finally are ready *sigh*, you do University up BIG! Top of the charts in ALL of your classes, girl! And graduation day is gonna be awesome! Summa cum laude baby!!
You may also be wondering about those 2 little red bumps that just showed up on your chin the other day. Well, I hate to break it to ya, but it is not a rash. *sigh* It is not from the heat, or from allergies, or from eating too much chocolate, or from the non-existent make-up you tried on. No, what it is, is life's way of reminding you that you have an awesome personality. Yes, that is what we'll call it. Personality reminders. Honey, you have just been blessed with adult acne. Aw, come on now, 'member when you prayed in Jr. High (a la Judy Blume) to not have to deal with any zits in school?! Well, freaky deaky it worked! LOL (Oh, that means I am laughing but you can't hear it or see it, so I wrote that I was laughing so you would know I think something's hella funny. Whole. Other. Dialect.) Anywho, it's not going to get any better. It really isn't. And no amount of topical crap or radioactive pills is going to help anything.
So, for the LOVE, please stop spending your minimum wages buying that overpriced tinted Clearasil. Look at it for Pete's sake! It's tinted ORANGE!! Who's skin tone is ORANGE?! That's right, Ernie!! UGH. It looks crazy, it doesn't help anyways, and your loser jackwad friends are too screwed up to tell you that you look like Ernie! Girl, the only thing that is going to work, is for your heart and your mouth to grow bigger than those bumps. Speak your mind and follow your heart. Corny, right? But it totally works. Soon people will see past the bumps and only tune in to what you do and say! And one day, you are gonna feel comfortable enough in your own skin to write down your hearts thoughts and share them with all the Internetz. (Meh, still cannot explain that one. You're just gonna have to wait and AOL it like everybody else.)
And let's talk about that hamburger habit you got going on. Enjoy it! Enjoy the privilege of being able to eat anything you want and having it all miraculously just slide off your size 0 ass. I bet the lady at the DMV is still LOLing at you when she asked if you wanted to change anything when you got your first driver's license and you stared at her blankly and said "Oh, yeah, my weight!" and then erased the number 90 and wrote 105! Screw youth being wasted on the young. Thin-ness is the biggest waste! You have no idea how great you have it now being so naturally Swedish thin. 'Cause at around 25, all hell's gonna break lose on that little frame of yours! Bones'll start spreading, feet start getting wider, little pockets of chicken nuggets start sticking for longer periods of time. People will start pointing at your bod and saying things like "Mmmhmm, she finally got those baby hips!" UGH. Like Fergie Ferg said (Oh, she's that one girl from Kids Incorporated, 'member that show?! And Star Search?! They get careers after that! It's crazy I tell ya!), but like she said, you gotta be up in the gym and keep workin' on your fitness!
I want to also bring up a bit about who you are letting in to that heart that you give so much away of. I don't know how to explain this, but in the future there will be this thing called Facebook (it's on the Internetz) and this Facebook thing is going to revolutionize the way we see, think about, and communicate with people. Too bad you don't have that now. 'Cause if you could see how the 'potential' has played out in these fellas you're hanging with, *OMG*! (That still means like it did back in the day, but shorter. Less Sweet Valley High and more dun, dun, dun.) Do not fight for the one you're holding onto now. Girrrrrl, just let him go! It's gonna hurt like hell and you'll shut down for a while (okay, more like a year) but the boy ain't right.....for you. And I don't think he 'knew' he wasn't right.......for you. Everybody has their own baggage to unpack and sort through and eventually it will all come together and you'll be proud of his pride. And in some small way, you will find the love you had for him is still special and still makes you teary even when you're 40. Oh, and just a quick heads up: The one that you thought was gone for good is about to make a nasty reappearance. Be strong. Do not let your heart cover what is plainly in front of you. Don't let those soft blue eyes convince you love is anything other than what you know to be true. Yes, this is one of those tests they talk about and the only prize is in
Okay, so we talked about school, and boys, and zits, and weight.
And now, the serious stuff. This next year or so is gonna be really hard for you. Grandma has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer (Mom still hasn't told you, but you're a smart cookie and will figure it out) and will need Mom more now. She'll be gone every weekend and will start to pull away from you. This isn't intentional, she's got her own emotional work to do. Grandma will die right before your 20th, and this will mark the beginning of a whole different sort of life for you. This is so hard for me to tell you, because I feel now how Mom must have felt then. Your life should be free and you shouldn't have to worry about anything like this, but it's a part of life you will have to deal with. And you will be on your own in doing it. Be strong. Ask questions when you can. Know that your faith will eventually pull you out of it. Okay, tears wiped. So, Grandma is going to pass, and Mom will not be able to handle it. For a long time. She was so close to her mama, just like you. She will need you more than ever, but give her time to find a way back to you. Be there for her. Hold her. Let her cry. She has a mountain of things she needs to work out in her own heart before she can begin to prepare yours for the next 13 years.
Kiddo, Mom is sick. Not sick like 'rad', but sick like 'oh crap'. Mom has diabetes and has had it for years. I am guessing since the mid-80s but can't be sure. There aren't a lot of after-school specials about this disease, but I want you to be prepared because it's gonna drop on your family like Roddy Piper on the Iron Sheik. This disease is what I like to call a silent killer. It is so preventable and so treatable but folks get it in their heads that they don't have it, can't get it, and it will simply be willed away. It ain't true. Mom probably had Type 1 for at least 15 years before accepting it and allowing treatments. But, it will be too late. When she does finally tell you of her battle with diabetes, ASK QUESTIONS. Not about insulin and stuff, ask her the hard stuff. Ask her why she hid it. Why she couldn't accept it. What she is thinking and feeling in her heart at night. These answers are going to help you in 20 years to finally get up off your butt and get tested again. Again, I don't want to spoil too much for ya, but you will be given the most precious reason in the world to want to live to be 100. You took care of Mom (and even your kitty Callie will be diagnosed the same time Mom tells you!), you can do it for yourself! You owe it to her and your little boy. Don't give him the same sentence that was given you.
So, you pretty much skate through the 20's and it's mostly all good. But then the other shoe's gonna drop in your 30's and sh*t's gonna start getting real. Like Scared Straight real. So, remember how I told you Mom was sick, right? Well, what she didn't tell you was just how sick she really was. With total renal failure, dialysis was inevitable and her health rapidly declined from there. She is going to leave you right before your 33rd birthday and it is going to completely and utterly uproot your life, your heart, your faith, your focus, your will to live, just everything. Smashed to pieces in slow motion. I cannot tell you the number of nights and days you will spend curled up in a ball on the floor shaking and praying for your own death, because I honestly cannot go back there. But I know there were plenty. The funeral will be the easiest part. The rosary, the mass, your ad-libbed eulogy, the burial (the bad weather that prevents the burial for 2 excruciating weeks), the reception, the notes, going through her belongings. All of that is just the beginning. The beginning of your life without your Mama. The first and only person you ever trusted, loved, and counted on for everything. I can only remember one other time when you were shaken like this (remember the boy who wasn't right.....for you?) and your Mama was the only one who could get you through all that. But you will be alone with this one kiddo. Your dad and brother and the rest of the family are well-intentioned enough, but they can't and will never understand what your heart will go through and still goes through. Let them all fuss over you and worry about you and talk about you in the 3rd person while you're in the same room. You will need the time alone to recover and find a way to get back on your feet.
As bad as 2006 starts off, it will be a rebuilding year that will shape the rest of your life. You will find a strength you didn't know existed and this is what carries you even today. Every decision you make, every new thing you try, every person you meet will lead you exactly to the place we are now. You will have a career in education that you are passionate about and one that Mom would be proud to see you in. You will meet amazingly creative, supportive, and encouraging people who share your heart and your values. You will call those dear people 'friend'. You will return to your faith, the faith that you have just left behind, and you will find the comfort that leaves you when Mom passes in Christ. You will learn to pray and what it means to be truly grateful and blessed. You will find real love with a man not only worthy of the name, but deserving of your heart. He'll be every bit your equal as well as the support you need. You will create a family together. The kind of family you longed for as a child. You will feel the soft kicks of a teeny tiny baby boy and your heart will be completely full again. You will sit and rock him night after night in your Mother's chair, the same chair she once rocked you in all those years ago. 40 to be exact. HaPpY BiRtHdAy Kiddo! I love you! ♥
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